The Lighthouse Chapter 23

Chapter TWENTY-THREE:

Alice crossed her legs as Eloise started the drive from Robin’s to the lighthouse. “I hope she finds something highly breakable, and throws it,” she said. “It’ll really make her feel better.” Alice knew. On a deep level, Alice knew.

“I’ve only seen her break down like that once before,” Eloise said. “And I have no idea how to help her.”

Alice suspected that was hard for Eloise, as she always knew the answer to a problem. “When was she like that before?” she asked.

“Remember when Robbie dumped her by asking Michelle Stevens out over the public address system at school?” Eloise cut Alice a glance, her fingers tightening on the wheel as she refocused her attention out the windshield.

“Oh, yeah.” Alice looked out the window, her mind wandering. “That was brutal. Poor Robin.” She wanted to help Robin too, but she’d been trying to figure out how to show Kristen the letter now for two days. Maybe since the moment she’d found it.

Kristen had just brought up the folder and showed it to them. She’d cried instead of speaking, but for some reason Alice wanted to explain. Explain what, she wasn’t sure. She’d told herself over and over that she wasn’t her mother. She hadn’t even known about the affair until last week; her father had never said a word about it.

Every time she thought of him, remembering back to those days and weeks and months following his wife’s death, Alice grew a little more compassionate toward him. If she’d known what he was going through, she would’ve acted differently.

Alice was well-accustomed with regret, but this was unlike any other she’d felt before. She didn’t know how to wrestle this kind of regret, the kind that she wished she could go back and make better. It felt like she’d never be able to pin it down and declare herself the winner, and no amount of shopping, or changing the furniture, or depriving herself of the best of Robin’s cooking could make it go away.

Eloise turned with the road, and the lighthouse came into view. Alice honestly couldn’t face it today, but she had to. She couldn’t live another day with this secret on her chest. “You sure you want to do this?” Eloise asked, peering through the top of the windshield.

“I have to,” Alice said. “Maybe I’ll just hand her the paper.” She looked at Eloise. Steady, strong Eloise, who had never led with her emotions, never worn her heart on her sleeve. She’d used her brain, and she was one of the kindest, smartest people Alice had the pleasure of knowing.

In fact, Alice didn’t like anyone back in the Hamptons even half as much as she did the five women she’d been with for the past several days. She wasn’t sure what that meant for her, but the thought of going back to her life for three more years until the twins finished high school felt like a death sentence.

“It’s pretty self-explanatory, isn’t it?” Alice asked.

“Yes,” Eloise said, turning to go up the hill now. “Alice, this is not your fault.”

“I know,” she said, but something in her heart hurt anyway.

“I know I haven’t seen you in a while,” Eloise continued. “But I still know you, Alice Williams.” She flashed her a smile, and Alice did like the use of her maiden name. “And I know you’re blaming yourself for something you knew nothing about and couldn’t have stopped anyway.”

“I know,” she said again, softer this time. She did know, intellectually. But making that lie flat in her mind and stay straight in her heart was much harder to actually do. She drew in a deep breath as the turn-off for the parking lot approached. “So, what are you and Aaron going to do today?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Eloise said airily. “He said he’d plan something.” She gave Alice a smile that radiated warmth and made the turn.

“Well, you deserve a man who treats you like a queen,” she said as Eloise pulled into the parking spot closest to the lighthouse. “And don’t you settle for anything less. I don’t know if that’s Aaron or not, but you’ll know.” She stared at Eloise, almost desperate for her to understand.

Eloise finally turned and looked at Alice, and so much passed between them.

“I love you, El,” Alice said, her voice tight in her throat.

“I know.” Eloise swallowed. “I love you too, Alice. Please, please don’t let this hurt you too badly.”

“I’m trying,” Alice said, but having to go in there and present Kristen with the woman her husband had been cheating with hurt. It hurt a whole lot. She got out of the car and waved to Eloise, who backed out and left. Alice stayed on the sidewalk, watching the car leave, before she faced the lighthouse.

When her mother had dropped her off here, Alice couldn’t wait to get out of the car. She’d barely wave good-bye or say thank you, and once her mother had lectured her for the entire trip back to Rocky Ridge about being grateful for the ride. “It’s forty-five minutes one-way, Alice. The very least you can do is say thank you.”

And she’d been right. Alice used the same lecture on the twins, and her chest hitched a little tighter.

Alice wondered how many times she’d said thank you to her mother for dropping her off at the lighthouse, only to have her sneak around with Joel during the Seafaring Girls meetings. Her stomach roiled at the thought, because she hadn’t noticed her mother being gone during any other evenings. She brought Alice to Seafaring Girls on Wednesdays, and hung around on Diamond Island until the meeting ended.

But Alice knew a lot more about the world now, and when Frank said he was “going to hang out in the city this weekend” instead of coming home, Alice knew there was definitely going to be some sex involved.

She put one hand over her stomach and couldn’t get her feet to move. The folded letter in her pocket felt like a brick, and she held very still as Kristen came around the back of the lighthouse. Maybe if she didn’t move, the woman Alice had adored as a teenager and still did wouldn’t see her.

“I didn’t think anyone was coming today,” Kristen said, but she did not smile. Alice didn’t blame her. She felt guilty for something her husband had done, and Alice seized onto that common ground between them.

“I have to show you something,” Alice said, holding her head high as she dug in her pocket. “You’re not going to like it.” She pulled out the paper and extended it toward Kristen, though she was still several paces away. “I found this a few days ago, and I’ve been trying to figure out how to deal with it. How to show it to you without ruining everything between us.”

Kristen stopped then, and tears pricked Alice’s eyes. She shook the paper, nothing else to say.

“I don’t want to see it,” Kristen said, her voice haunted.

“You have to,” Alice said. “I can’t carry it any longer.” She started up the sidewalk, but her legs shook. She hadn’t eaten dinner or breakfast, because she simply couldn’t stomach the thought of eating anything. Her time on Diamond Island was winding down now, and soon enough, Alice would have to be back at the gym to get rid of the five pounds she’d already gained by eating Robin’s sugary French toast and all the rich seafood and creamed sauces on the island.

She reached Kristen and put the folded paper in her hand. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Kristen didn’t speak. She didn’t look at the paper. She just stared straight ahead, and she looked beyond exhausted, with her eyes sunken in her head, the lines around her eyes deeper than Alice remembered.

“Do you want me to read it to you?” Alice asked.

“Absolutely not.”

“Let’s go make tea,” she said, linking her arm through Kristen’s. For some reason, now that she didn’t have the letter in her possession, she felt lighter. She practically had to drag Kristen down the path to the cottage, and once inside, she looked around the kitchen, trying to get her bearings.

She could make tea; she’d done it before. Alice turned on the sink and filled the kettle with water before setting it on the burner. She kept Kristen in her peripheral vision at all times, because she needed to know when she opened the letter and read it.

She sat on the couch and let her hands rest in her lap, one of them still holding that folded paper. Alice left the water to boil and went to sit beside Kristen. The two women sat side-by-side in silence, and Alice literally had no thoughts in her head.

“Just tell me,” Kristen said. “I cannot stand to see something else in Joel’s handwriting.” She looked at Alice. “What did he do to you?”

“What makes you think it’s about me?”

“You’re the one who’s here. He fixed Eloise’s grades. He bought Kelli’s father’s business. He pushed AJ away, and lied to Robin, cheated on me. You’re the only one left.”

Alice nodded, her reasoning fairly sound. She drew in a breath, determined to just say it. “Joel cheated on you with my mother.” She stared straight ahead, too weak to watch Kristen’s reaction.

Kristen exhaled, her breath leaking from her in a hiss. She put the folded letter on Alice’s leg, but Alice didn’t touch it.

“I’m so sorry,” Alice said, her voice cracking. She hadn’t cried very often in her life, because she could make herself feel better with the right retail therapy and her children.

Kristen leaned into her, and Alice put her arm around her, and they cried together for a long, long time.

* * *

Hours later, someone knocked on the door, and Alice raised her head from the pillow and looked toward the entrance. Kristen looked that way too, but neither of them moved.

“Gotta be the food,” Kristen said.

“Right.” Alice groaned as she sat up. She’d dozed on and off on Kristen’s couch, while she reclined in the armchair nearby. They’d put movie after movie on, and finally Kristen had said she needed to eat.

Alice had ordered pizza with a ton of cheese and meat, and she got up to get the door. She took the box from the teen boy standing there, passed him some money, and said, “Thanks.”

She wondered if their melancholy had touched him, because he paused for a moment. Then he said, “This is a fifty-dollar bill.”

“Yes,” Alice said. “Keep the change as a tip for driving all the way up here.” She tried to smile but didn’t quite pull it off.

She closed the door and took the pizza into the kitchen, all the lights in the cottage glaring too brightly in her face. She felt removed from everything, despite the world spinning around her.

“You want some?”

“Yes, please,” Kristen said, and Alice managed to find a plate and put two pieces of pizza on it and took it to Kristen.

“What else, my friend? Water? Wine?”

“I wish I had wine,” Kristen said. “Remember how Robin dumped the vodka down the drain?”

Oh, Alice remembered, and she turned back to get another plate and some pizza for her. She hadn’t eaten much for twenty-four hours, and her clothes still fit fairly well. She could have a piece of pizza, and she sank back onto the couch. She’d taken two bites before her stomach revolted against eating any more.

She wasn’t sure why; she should be hungry. But she felt so overwhelmed mentally that she couldn’t handle eating too.

Her phone buzzed on the only end table Kristen had kept, and Alice swapped her plate for her phone. Charlie had texted, Mom, Grandpa wants me to come live here in the summer and work on the shrimp boat. Can I?

“Not a texting conversation, Charlie,” she murmured as she typed the words. Not only that, but Alice would need to have a word with her father about acceptable summer jobs for her fifteen-year-old. Working on a shrimp boat was not on that list, at least not for Alice. She knew what happened on those boats, and Charlie did not know how to work the way he’d be expected to.

So it might be good for him, she thought.

“Is it Robin?” Kristen asked, and Alice looked up from her phone.

“Surprisingly, no,” she said. She didn’t want to give away Robin’s episode from that morning, because that would only hurt Kristen further. “She’s dealing with a lot right now.”

“I’m sure she is. She internalizes everything so much.”

“That she does,” Alice said. “It’s Charlie, and he wants to have a serious conversation via text.” She turned off her phone and set it down. “Feeling better?” She got up and took Kristen’s empty plate. “More pizza?”

“No, I’m good, dear,” Kristen said. “Thank you so much for being here with me.”

“Of course,” Alice said.

“Tell me how you really are,” Kristen said.

Alice put the plate in the sink and sighed, leaning into the counter in front of her, looking out the window and realizing it was almost completely dark. Where had the whole day gone?

She and Kristen hadn’t talked hardly at all about the contents of the letter. Alice had taken it and ripped it into tiny pieces; Kristen hadn’t read a word of it. Alice had thought she’d need to explain the situation, tell Kristen everything she’d learned from her father.

But once she’d said Joel’s mistress was her mother, that was all the explanation she’d needed to give.

They’d cried for a while, and Alice had felt stronger afterward.

“Alice, you don’t have to,” Kristen said, and Alice pulled herself back to the present. She went back into the living room and laid back down on the couch, pulling the blanket over her body again.

“I’m okay,” she finally said, her mind flowing forward to next week, when she’d be back in a house ten times this size, utterly alone.

“I worry about you.”

“Thank you,” Alice said. “I’m going to worry about you here, too. What are you going to do when we all leave?”

“You know what? I don’t know. So much of my life has been wrapped up in this place, and I feel like we threw it all away.” Kristen sounded like she was going to start crying again. “Maybe I’ll start learning a new skill. I think women my age sew, don’t they?”

Alice let a moment of silence go by, and then she burst out laughing. “Sewing,” she said between laughs, and Kristen started laughing too. Alice laughed and laughed and laughed until she couldn’t breathe and she had tears rolling down her face.

She sighed and sat back against the couch. “I’m going to stay the night, if that’s okay.”

“Oh, I was hoping you would,” Kristen said. “I’ve been sleeping at the lighthouse, because I’m not sure how to be by myself yet.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Alice said. “Trust me, you’ll figure it out.”